I am thirty five weeks pregnant today, but what I can only describe as being an eventful and at times traumatic pregnancy, does not mean that it has been all doom and gloom. I have learnt a lot about myself and put a lot of positive changes in place over the past few months. It has been really hard and I have had to face up to a lot but that is not necessarily a bad thing.
Deep down I am a bit of a control freak, I do like to know where I am heading with things and a take great pleasure from following a good plan, however for the past eight months the plan has well and truly been abandoned. I have had to take what can only be described as a huge step back from life. I have had to say no to a lot of things and to a lot of people, family, friends, work, fun, food. At times this has been extremely hard but I have had to listen to my doctor and just ride it out!
I have realised that I have a constant desire to be busy, to always have five or six plates spinning at the same time. Like I have been conditioned to believe that I should be multi-tasking my way through life without taking a moment to breathe. Is this something that as women we are led to believe we should be doing, or is it something we want to be doing? Is it actually nothing to do with gender at all and more a trait of certain personalities? For me it is almost like a desire to accomplish so much in such a small amount of time, like a challenge to reach a certain point as fast as possible. Where ever it came from I realised very quickly that it had to stop.
Initially letting go of everything and conserving energy to focus only on my health and Cass was bloody hard. Years of balancing everything and keeping those plates spinning will obviously have an impact on who you are and what you do. Gradually though I started to see how letting go was having a positive impact on my mental health. Granted the circumstances were a bit shit and I would have rather not been throwing up all day for the best part of a year, but maybe it was what I needed to stop all the noise. I gradually realised that life is a bit too short to be constantly feeding a need for being busy and attempting to accomplish too much in such a tiny space of time.
Some days getting out of bed was an achievement and sadly that had to be my only goal for the day, but once I had come to realise how great an accomplishment that actually was I was able to move on and stop beating myself up. Some days we went for a walk in the park and some days that was just too much so we watched telly instead. It has made me realise how important it is to take time to just be still. To enjoy your family, your work, your friends and not be distracted by a million other things that are going on and to give yourself a break every once in a while and ease off on the plate spinning.
Life is too short and our children grow too quickly, change happens so fast. I have spent the past thirty three years of my life trying to be busy and get to places where I think I need to be when actually I think I just needed to appreciate what I already have and be still.