Big brother

We are now past the half way mark and despite being so poorly, baby girl is growing and so is my belly. Cass is starting to notice too, finding my belly button hilarious and jabbing it with his little fingers. He is starting to stroke my bump too whilst saying ‘baby’ which is amazing.

Even though he is still only a baby himself, I can feel that Cass is aware that something big is about to happen. It has been hard on him with all the hospital visits and quiet days in the house with me throwing up everywhere. However, I cannot wait to see him as a big brother, he is so loving and playful, but I know that this baby will bring about some huge changes and my baby boy will suddenly grow up overnight.

I love to watch Cass grow and it fascinates me how he learns and changes every day and I know the arrival of a new little person will change us all. I think it would be silly to think it will not. I feel like I need to really cherish these last few weeks alone with my baby boy, he has not asked for the chaos that comes with a new baby and as resilient as he is, at times he is going to find it hard. We all are.

I am trying to appreciate each moment with Cass as much as possible before we become four, but I also want to try and prepare him too. He is off to choose his own baby and pram this weekend with his dad, so that we can talk lots about the new baby arriving and how he can help be a big brother. He also helped me dig out all his old baby clothes ready to be washed for baby girl.

We have been taking time to talk to Cass about the new baby, asking him questions about the baby’s name and what he thinks is growing in mummy’s tummy. I still think he is a bit too young to understand fully but he is definitely interested, I cannot wait for him to feel her kicking.

We cannot wait for the arrival of our new baby girl and going from three to four is obviously going to have its challenges, but we are working to prepare Cass as much as we possibly can. Like most things with children though, it is impossible to know what is going to happen and in my experience, a waste of time and energy to plan every last detail. With Cass my expectations have always been exceeded, the good times have been better and the tough times harder and on many occasions my mind has been blown away. So, we are taking each day as it comes and going with the flow as much as possible.

Bring it on baby girl, we are ready for you! (Kind of)


When you have small children everything shifts, my social life is pretty limited and I just prefer a quiet ten minutes with a brew rather than going for a run or heading to the gym. I am not complaining, I think if I attempted to go on a night out I might actually die and running is definitely out of the question.

A number of years ago I gave up alcohol. Those of you who know me well know that I can put away a few drinks, those of you who know me really well know that that is not necessarily a good thing, I do like a good party.

As I got older I found that drinking made everything so complicated, one night out and a few drinks made me feel terrible for days. Anxiety attacks, mood swings, not to mention memory blanks and all of the embarrassing things I may have done or said. I could not deal with the hangovers or the fall out of a night out drinking.

Giving up alcohol was not an easy thing to do, I had worked, managed and hung out in bars and restaurants for years. I had to change a huge part of my life. What would my friends think? Who would want to hang out with someone who never drinks? I was worried that the boredom alone would kill me.

This was half of my problem, I was worrying about what everyone else would think, how I would be perceived as a sober person. Worrying that I would be judged for ordering a soft drink and driving home rather than drinking all the wine and getting absolutely smashed. I was worried that I would not know what to talk to people about, that I would not be able to dance without worrying what I looked like. Seems silly really, but at the time it felt important.

To be honest though, I was judged, people did make comment. I remember one person telling me that they ‘didn’t trust people who didn’t drink!’ – that said more about them than me though. I did and still do find it really hard, I had to learn about myself and actually become an interesting person rather than a drunk person chatting nonsense all night. I had to spark up witty and scintillating conversation whilst being sober. You learn very quickly who your friends are when you stop drinking and that is absolutely a good thing. You also learn that your drunk conversation would have never been ‘witty’ or ‘scintillating,’ and you were actually giving yourself far too much credit than you deserved.

I have been on nights out sober and danced more than anyone in the room, most of the time people are so drunk they just think you are as drunk as them and to be honest no one really cares. Once someone even tried to take my car keys off me after only drinking orange juice all night. I have learned more about my friends and who my real friends are, because when you are sober you remember everything. You remember stories and conversations and you remember organising when you are next getting together. You also NEVER lose your stuff (well, almost).

I also learned that I do not have to be the last man standing at a party. The worry about leaving early and missing out does not exist when you are sober, because you realise that very drunk people become very boring, very fast. They also become very sleepy and less fun than you remember. I take as much enjoyment as possible from going out and then when it’s over, I just leave with amazing memories.

Being sober is not for everyone and I am not trying to preach about the evils of alcohol. I worked with alcohol for many years and I have a lot of knowledge about the drinks industry and it has been something that has fascinated me for years. I met most of my best friends drinking and working in bars, I met my husband in a bar. However, personally it has been and still is, good to take a break.

There is nothing better than waking up hangover free, remembering all your conversations, not worrying about who you may have offended and how badly your shoes have been ruined and where your phone and keys are. Now I only feel anxious about things that are real not things that I think I may have done or said when I was drunk.

Having Cass has ensured that nights out have been well and truly off the cards for a long time, but I am happy about that. I would rather spend a weekend in the Summer taking him to a festival or be able to get up with him on a weekend without feeling like death. Drinking made everything feel too hectic and stressful. I do sometimes miss going out, but I would miss feeling this good more. There is plenty of time for being wild again when the kids move out!