A little bit of me

The past fourteen months have been absolutely wild. I am very lucky to have been able to spend so much time with my family and get used to being three, but after a year of maternity leave and six weeks of Summer, now is the time to return to work.

Returning to work at any point after having a baby is going to be tough. Some absolutely love the thought of getting back to work and the sense of self that it brings, whilst for others it is pretty traumatising. However you feel about it though, and what ever work you do, it is once again a huge change in our lives that no one really prepares us for.

If I am honest the thought of wearing an actual bra filled me with impending doom. Not to mention the fact that I might have to wash my hair and find some trousers that do not fit into the ‘lounge wear’ category. Most of all though I did not want to be apart from my baby, I was loving being a mum too much. I could not just ‘abandon’ him and return to work.

I found that my keep in touch days gave me a sense of freedom and a break almost, it was like I had a glimpse of me before Cass. The mum guilt definitely started creeping in after a few hours though, not to mention the extreme exhaustion after breast feeding a baby all night and attempting to access a very dusty section of my brain.

One minute I was at home, my time dedicated to keeping a tiny human alive and the next, I had all of these tiny human responsibilities, and work thrown in on top.

We decided to send Cass to nursery for three mornings a week and he absolutely hated it. It was soul destroying dropping him off crying only to be called an hour later to find that he was still crying. The nursery were amazing and kept trying different things to help him settle in.

Eventually they realised that he loved the toddler room and was content just watching the older children. They asked if they could move him early, the crying immediately stopped.

I am now four days into my full time return to work. I absolutely love my job and I have worked really hard to be where I am. I am blessed that I work with amazing and very supportive people. Yeah it’s hard and tiring, but like everything else this past fourteen months it is just another step. The past four days have been wonderful, Cass has been spending some amazing quality time with Daddy and loving nursery. As much as I said I would never feel this way, I am actually enjoying feeling a little bit more me.

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