The Breast-Laid Plans

I absolutely love a plan. It does not necessarily have to be my plan, I am happy to go along with anyone’s plan really, I’m not a control freak I just like to know what’s going on. 

Cass is not into my plans and he makes this known. The uncertainty of parenthood is something that I’m still trying to get my head around, I just don’t know what’s coming next and I found this so hard in the beginning.

My birth plan had some, let’s say, last minute adjustments, as did our sleeping arrangements and my plans for introducing food didn’t go too well either. One thing I thought I was sure of though was breast feeding. 

I found breast feeding tough. Initially, it was the pain. I was in so much pain I ended up exclusively pumping at three weeks. At five weeks though the pain eased and we got into the swing of things. It has been an absolute roller coaster of emotions and at times so tough. I thought I knew what I was doing but again, it was in no way like I imagined. I was very lucky I received a lot of support from the midwives at the Salford Birth Centre and at a local feeding group. Not many women have this, no matter how they choose to feed their child.


I had planned to feed Cass until he was two. I thought that this was a done deal, babies love milk and I thought it would be me who may eventually crack and have to change the plan. A couple of weeks before Cass turned one he started to lose interest when being fed, he was easily distracted and began to push me away. I initially thought it may have been his teeth coming through or the heat, but as the days went on I noticed he wasn’t really taking any milk apart from first thing in the morning, when he was really hungry.

Shortly after Cass’s 1st birthday I made the decision to stop feeding him breast milk. At the time I thought ‘Cass is ready, I am ready.’ I had given it 100% for a year. I thought I’d be celebrating. I wasn’t prepared for how hard it would be, it was really tough. My hormones were all over the place, my supply went into over drive I ended up getting mastitis pretty badly. It was so painful and the only advice I could find was to feed or pump through it. 
I couldn’t feed Cass, I didn’t want to confuse him by making him take the milk just to ease my discomfort. Every time I pumped I could feel my milk come in and it was making it worse. I ended up on a course of antibiotics and tried to hand pump a small amount every couple of hours and eventually it died down. 


Cass on the other hand was totally ready. I had prepared myself for screaming and crying at bedtime and tantrums through out the day. I thought he would struggle and we would just go back to feeding. But no, he’s not even asked. I thought co-sleeping would definitely cause us problems too, but if anything he’s actually sleeping (a bit) better. At last. 

I do feel that stopping breast feeding so abruptly has a huge affect on your mental heath. My hormones were all over the place and I genuinely struggled. I think more women should be made aware if this. Mothers who choose not to breast feed at any point after labour must be going through these emotions, this on top of everything else is really tough and no one makes new mothers aware of it. 

I try to not worry about the planning anymore. I’m just getting through one day at a time and enjoying every moment. I’ll waste my life away planning for things that may never come, it feels so liberating to just let go.

I can tell that we are gonna be friends 

The people we know and meet make us who we are. I have many close friends from my past who know me better than I know myself, but new adventures and life events bring along new friendships. 

The beginning of motherhood can often be seen as quite a lonely time. Even when I went to baby groups and sessions I sometimes found that all I was doing was sitting in a corner staring at Cass and hoping that I’d meet someone who enjoyed my taste in music, fashion or sense of humour. Sometimes though it’s tough to break free of the ‘mum’ label and identify with those around us, especially in the early days. 

As life brings new experiences it also changes you. That doesn’t mean that I have had to forget who I was, I just like to think it adds to who I am. Part of me is happy that I am a little bit ‘Old Lucy’ and a little bit ‘Mum Lucy’. After 12 months I am happy to be wearing some of my pre-pregnancy clothes (really fucking happy) but I am also ok with the fact that I still wear my size 18 maternity knickers. They’re bloody comfy. 


My friends from before I had Cass are amazing and I love them, they form an important part of me, but life is ever changing and it’s important to make time for new people and friends too. I feel that as a woman and as a human I am constantly learning and evolving, I have learned so much from the fantastic people that I have had around me over the past 12 months.


Baby wearing not only gave me a wonderful way to bond and care for Cass, it also gave me an amazing, strong, fierce group of ‘mum’ friends. These wise women have helped and supported me more than they could ever know. 


This afternoon Jess from SUPU invited Cass and I to take part in a photo shoot with a group of our pals! It was an amazing experience and an absolute honour to be part of. Thanks so much Jess, we love you, can’t wait to see the photos. 


Here are a few sneaky snaps of my own ❤️

Now you are one

When I used to hear people say that their baby’s first birthday was coming up and they felt emotional, I’d think that they must be bonkers, but as Cass’s first birthday grows closer I feel like an emotional wreck, and yes, slightly bonkers.

What a year, I never thought such a tiny little thing could teach me so much. My heart could burst with love for this small human that has entered our lives. We are so lucky to be parents to a gorgeous, funny, healthy little boy. There have been times when I have felt that I have been pushed to the absolutely edge and there have been days and nights where I’ve thought that there is no way I’m going to get through this. Having a new baby has been exhausting, both mentally and physically but we have over come things that I never thought possible and I have learned so much about myself and other people.


My relationship with my husband has never been so strong, yes we probably talk a bit less and scroll a bit more, but looking after Cass has been the ultimate team building exercise. Not only have we shown the naysayers that you CAN make a fiat 500, a small baby and massive Doberman work. We have also become experts in surviving on 30 minutes sleep and have learned every single word to The Jungle Book sound track. 


As I look back over the past year, I remember exactly what was happened on this day twelve months ago and yes it is very emotional, I mourn for the excitement and uncertainty of what kind of parents we thought we would be and what our tiny little baby would show us, but as he grows his little personality is coming through and it has been amazing to see him change. 


This year has been full of emotions and terrifyingly amazing things and although I feel like we have reached a mile stone and the end of something, there is still so much more to go. Here’s to surviving the first year as three. 
Happy Birthday my amazing little Cass.