I find a lot of social situations and expectations confusing or overwhelming at times, not always, just sometimes. I do not get anxious, I just sometimes feel a bit odd or uncomfortable.
Friendships can sometimes feel the same, one minute people are around and the next they are gone. I immediately think that I have done or said some horrific, offending, unforgivable thing and need to resolve the situation as soon as possible.
As I become older and encounter different groups of people and social situations I am starting to realise that most of the time it is nothing to do with me and I cannot fix things, no matter how hard I try.
I am terrible with things like this, I struggle to understand the ‘friendship game’ at the best of times, especially with girls. It is like a code to me, a club with rules and ways to behave and things that you can and cannot do. You have to remain in contact just the right amount of times, but not too much as that is just as bad as not being in touch at all.
You have to say the correct thing, in the correct order. When people ask for your opinion, they do not always necessarily want YOUR opinion they want THEIR opinion from your mouth. Honesty is not always the correct answer. It is so very confusing.
My growing interest in the behaviour of others has moved up a level over the past two years. What was a professional understanding of the behaviour and psychology of children during the early years, has expanded greatly. I have learned that my childhood and experiences have greatly impacted how I raise my children and how I behave in situations of extreme stress and exhaustion. I have also been watching others go through the same thing, and how their behaviour can suddenly change depending on the challenges that they are faced with.
Human beings are amazing and I know that parenthood has definitely changed me, we adapt to whatever is thrown at us in times of extreme exhaustion and a natural instinct protect and survive kicks in. We are doing what we can to get through the day and for some people that means shutting down and turning the world off.
I do not think that it is personal, I think sometimes people just change and move on, in an attempt to protect themselves from something that they are afraid of or cannot quite figure out. My sudden need to find out the reasons to why someone would stop talking to me comes from my insecurities. I need to learn to take a step back and see that it is not always about me. Yeah it can hurt, but sometimes you have just got to let go.
It is ok to be like that too, it does not make me weak to walk away from something that I do not necessarily understand and I do not need all the answers. Sometimes there just are no answers and people just are not meant to be in your life forever. I am learning to be grateful for the amazing people that I do have in my life and pouring my energy, time and understanding into them. Which is easy because they are all fantastic. I am also learning to be kinder to myself and not waste my energy on people who do not have time for me.
Parenthood, age and time has taught me that life can be beautiful and slow paced as well as manic and wild. It has allowed me to understand that it is important to try to see the positive in everything and to try to not always look for reasons to why things happen in situations that are out of my control.
People are complicated and although they may hurt you sometimes, it is not always personal. Everyone is still growing and although we think that it is only events from our childhood that shape who we are today, I feel that every day can change who we will be tomorrow.